Millions of people struggle with mental illness. It is something that we continue to learn how to discuss. The stigma still exists. Judgement towards those who suffer is unceasing I believe by sharing our experiences and struggles with mental health, we can alleviate the stigma. We are able to aid those who need help, mourn with those who mourn, comfort those in need of comfort. The severity of each individual varies depending on background, trauma, environment, relationships, stressors, and other factors. It is normal to feel sad, anxious, or angry at different times in our lives. This starts to to become an issue when it begins to interfere with normal daily activities.
The two types of mental illness that I would like to focus on are Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive disorder.
GAD is a disorder that creates exaggerated worrying about everyday life. The worrying one experiences can consume hours and hours of the day. It can be difficult to concentrate and perform daily tasks. GAD can effect physical health by triggering headaches, muscle tension, nausea, and issues with sleep.
Depression causes feelings of sadness, and/or loss of interests in activities that were once enjoyed. Just as anxiety, depression can lead to emotional and physical distress that can interfere with daily life. A person with depression can have increased fatigue, lack of or over sleeping, thoughts of suicide, and difficulty thinking.
I have struggled with my mental health as early as 8. I did not realize I suffered from Anxiety and Depression until I was an adult. I come from a broken home and childhood. My father was physically abusive to my mother and siblings. I encountered instances of verbal, mental, and sexual abuse. I never told anyone about what I went through. Throughout my life, I witheld so much anger, bitterness, sadness, and fear. I felt incredibly alone. What did I do to deserve this?
I hit rock bottom many times. I felt guilty of the things that happened to me. I had difficulty making friends. I was quiet. I struggled in social situations. I struggled with insomnia. I felt like I was suffocating. I would have panic attacks that made me feel so sick. Was I dying? Was I having a heart attack? Why couldn’t I breathe? I was easily irritated and angered. I had no confidence. Sometimes I felt that it would have been better if I did not exist. That would take the pain away. I would no longer feel this way.
I took comfort in food. I binged on copious amounts of food each week. Food made me feel good, but also made me incredibly sick afterwards. I never realized that food was a coping mechanism that I used. To me, food was a way I could escape thoughts, the fights, the pain, and the sadness. When I became an adult, food became a constant battle. If wasn’t eating food, I was constantly thinking about food. I binged, even when I wasn’t hungry. I was anxious about the large portions of food I was consuming but I felt that I could not stop. Food consumed my life. I felt trapped. How could something so essential in life make everything hard?
When I went off to college, the workload was immense. I would have breakdowns of constant crying when I didn’t get the grade I wanted. I would spend excessive time studying because I struggled to learn and concentrate. I was easily distracted. I would come home in tears when all of my classmates were progressing faster than me. It is normal to feel stressed when you’re in college. School is tough. Although, it becomes an issue when that is all that consumes your thoughts. I would think about school when I would be with other people, when I was showering, at church, reading my scriptures, and before I fell asleep. All I did was worry. I would feel so anxious I would feel like I was going to vomit. I ate more. I gained over 50 pounds. I distanced myself from my friends. I had other trials that would consume my thoughts constantly. Every minute of every day.
The thoughts that overcame me over the years, the worrying; I thought were all normal. I believed everyone felt heart palpitations every time a new stressor came up and weren’t able to shut their brain off. I assumed people would frequently would lay in bed, sad and unmotivated. I had heard about people that had anxiety and depression but I didn’t think I fell into that population. “I just have a lot on my plate.”, I thought. “I don’t have a mental illness.”
It wasn’t until about two years ago I decided to get help. I was working a new job that was high stress. It took up all my time. It hated every second of it. It turned out to be one of the worst jobs I ever had. It came to a point to where I would come home crying, I began to have panic attacks again. I dreaded going to work every single day. I would hyperventilate in my office. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I finally cracked. I knew I needed help. I texted a friend from work and asked her if she could go with me to go to a clinic. She was there when I needed someone the most. I started taking medication for anxiety/depression. I reached out friends who struggled with mental health and it further encouraged me to receive help and focus on myself.
Life has been so much better since the day I asked for help. I learned that it is completely okay to ask for help when you are struggling. I have learned what triggers my anxiety. I have found activities that allow me to cope. I am not as easily angered. I find greater joy in life and have come closer to Christ. I still have days when I am deeply affected by my depression. Some days, I have difficulty doing simple tasks. I am learning to be open about my mental health and find people who will listen. I am learning to focus on myself. I will most likely have a mental illness for the rest of my life but I have found things that have and can help me. Life is not over. I know this is a trial that I need to endure, but I am stronger because of it. I would not be the person I am today without the trials I have experienced in life. I would like to share a few things that have worked for me. Everyone is different. Everyone reacts to stress differently. We all have different circumstances and experiences. I hope you know that you are not alone. What I do may not work for you but I hope this will allow you to find ways to help yourself.
Medication: There are various types of medications that can aid in depression called SSRIs, or Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors. Your brain contains a neurotransmitter, called “Serotonin.” Serotonin contributes to your overall wellbeing and happiness. SSRIs increase levels of Serotonin in your brain. I take and SSRI daily and it has made a tremendous difference in my ability to think, focus and how I feel about myself. Not everyone needs medication, but there are many of us that do, and that it totally fine! Modern medicine is here to help us. It is a huge blessing we are able to partake. These medications are meant to help the chemical imbalance that you may have in your brain. Some worry about side effects, so it is important to evaluate how you feel if you begin a medication. A common side effect for this class of medications is sleepiness. Sometimes you have to try different meds in order to find the best one for you.
Therapy: Some people will not opt for therapy. We recommend therapy for many of our patients and you wouldn’t believe how skeptical they are about going. They tend to thing it is for “crazy” people. WRONG! I truly believe each person can benefit from having a therapist if they are willing to put in the work and effort. I began going to a therapist last year. I wasn’t a huge fan of her, so I recently switched to a new therapist. I really like my new therapist a lot! You want to find a therapist you feel comfortable talking to and someone you feel is listening to you. It is normal to have to go through a few people to find the right person for you. There are different types of counselors such as psychiatrists, LMFTs, LPCs, and psychologists. They each have different approaches within the sessions depending on their degree. A therapist/counselor can help you walk through any repressed trauma or negative feelings you may have not learned to cope with. Therapy allows you to speak with someone who is unbiased. A therapist WILL NOT fix your problems. They are not advice givers. They are there to help you learn to help yourself in difficult situations, how you react and cope with your feelings and much more. I have found much comfort in going to a therapist. I am still learning what triggers my anxiety, where my negative thoughts come from and how to stop them before they take over.
Self-Care: Everyone needs self-care, whether you struggle with anxiety/depression or not. You need time for yourself. You need to decompress. Find activities you enjoy doing and are up lifting. My mental health is one of the main reasons I run. It allows me to put all my focus into it. People frequently ask me what I think about when I run. Many times, I don’t think about anything but focus on enduring the run. Running is extremely difficult for me, but I love how it challenges me and reminds me I can do hard things. I have to be positive and uplifting to myself while running. It is literally the only way I can get through a run. I tell myself I am good enough, I am strong, I am a competent runner, and capable. I feel that I am all of those things during my run. Imagine if we spoke to ourselves like that every day?! I could have the worst day possible and running takes away all of those negative feelings. I also find comfort in painting. If you follow my facebook profile, you will notice I am frequently posting pictures of my art. I began doing more acrylic painting last year. I follow tutorials online or simply just wing it! aha! Painting is calming and relaxing for me. Just like running, my attention is entirely focused on the details of my painting, the texture, and colors. I frequently paint for other people simply because I enjoy it. Gifting a painting to another person makes it much more meaningful to me. Lastly, I try and serve others. It truly brightens up my day when I write a letter to a friend who is having a tough day or baking cupcakes for another just because. I feel closer to my Savior as I serve others because it reminds me of His love for all His children. I feel less selfish and mindful of those around me. I don’t feel so alone. Each person on earth should feel loved and cared for. I never felt that as a child and I never want anyone I know to feel that way.
If you have read this and are struggling with your mental health, please reach out. Please ask for help. You are wanted. You are loved. Please stay. You are not alone in this struggle. I am here for you. You have at least one person who will understand. Anxiety and Depression can be a part of your life, but it is not YOUR life. Stay strong. Have faith. Help is on the way. ❤
XOXO,
Natalie
Runner Girl Natalie 