Runner Girl Natalie

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Life is a Marathon

You’d better stretch.

“It’s only a crazy dream until you do it. Just do it.”
-Nike

Hi there! My name is Natalie, just your amateur marathoner. My hope with documenting my various experiences is to inspire readers to chase their dreams. I desire that those who choose to read will leave feeling empowered and ready to tackle the world.

I believe that we can help one another in this world by sharing life’s trials, successes, joys and failures. I have encountered much sadness in my life but also so much joy. I have grown from the trials in my life. They allowed me to discover my talents and strengths. Future posts will contain my experiences with body image, mental health, running, goal setting, nutrition, and much more. I hope to inspire one, if not more, to act.

Life is a marathon. So how about we start running the journey together, eh?

XOXO,

Natalie

Anxiety and Depression: A part of life, but not your life

Millions of people struggle with mental illness. It is something that we continue to learn how to discuss. The stigma still exists. Judgement towards those who suffer is unceasing I believe by sharing our experiences and struggles with mental health, we can alleviate the stigma. We are able to aid those who need help, mourn with those who mourn, comfort those in need of comfort. The severity of each individual varies depending on background, trauma, environment, relationships, stressors, and other factors. It is normal to feel sad, anxious, or angry at different times in our lives. This starts to to become an issue when it begins to interfere with normal daily activities.

The two types of mental illness that I would like to focus on are Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive disorder.

GAD is a disorder that creates exaggerated worrying about everyday life. The worrying one experiences can consume hours and hours of the day. It can be difficult to concentrate and perform daily tasks. GAD can effect physical health by triggering headaches, muscle tension, nausea, and issues with sleep.

Depression causes feelings of sadness, and/or loss of interests in activities that were once enjoyed. Just as anxiety, depression can lead to emotional and physical distress that can interfere with daily life. A person with depression can have increased fatigue, lack of or over sleeping, thoughts of suicide, and difficulty thinking.

I have struggled with my mental health as early as 8. I did not realize I suffered from Anxiety and Depression until I was an adult. I come from a broken home and childhood. My father was physically abusive to my mother and siblings. I encountered instances of verbal, mental, and sexual abuse. I never told anyone about what I went through. Throughout my life, I witheld so much anger, bitterness, sadness, and fear. I felt incredibly alone. What did I do to deserve this?

I hit rock bottom many times. I felt guilty of the things that happened to me. I had difficulty making friends. I was quiet. I struggled in social situations. I struggled with insomnia. I felt like I was suffocating. I would have panic attacks that made me feel so sick. Was I dying? Was I having a heart attack? Why couldn’t I breathe? I was easily irritated and angered. I had no confidence. Sometimes I felt that it would have been better if I did not exist. That would take the pain away. I would no longer feel this way.

I took comfort in food. I binged on copious amounts of food each week. Food made me feel good, but also made me incredibly sick afterwards. I never realized that food was a coping mechanism that I used. To me, food was a way I could escape thoughts, the fights, the pain, and the sadness. When I became an adult, food became a constant battle. If wasn’t eating food, I was constantly thinking about food. I binged, even when I wasn’t hungry. I was anxious about the large portions of food I was consuming but I felt that I could not stop. Food consumed my life. I felt trapped. How could something so essential in life make everything hard?

When I went off to college, the workload was immense. I would have breakdowns of constant crying when I didn’t get the grade I wanted. I would spend excessive time studying because I struggled to learn and concentrate. I was easily distracted. I would come home in tears when all of my classmates were progressing faster than me. It is normal to feel stressed when you’re in college. School is tough. Although, it becomes an issue when that is all that consumes your thoughts. I would think about school when I would be with other people, when I was showering, at church, reading my scriptures, and before I fell asleep. All I did was worry. I would feel so anxious I would feel like I was going to vomit. I ate more. I gained over 50 pounds. I distanced myself from my friends. I had other trials that would consume my thoughts constantly. Every minute of every day.

The thoughts that overcame me over the years, the worrying; I thought were all normal. I believed everyone felt heart palpitations every time a new stressor came up and weren’t able to shut their brain off. I assumed people would frequently would lay in bed, sad and unmotivated. I had heard about people that had anxiety and depression but I didn’t think I fell into that population. “I just have a lot on my plate.”, I thought. “I don’t have a mental illness.”

It wasn’t until about two years ago I decided to get help. I was working a new job that was high stress. It took up all my time. It hated every second of it. It turned out to be one of the worst jobs I ever had. It came to a point to where I would come home crying, I began to have panic attacks again. I dreaded going to work every single day. I would hyperventilate in my office. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I finally cracked. I knew I needed help. I texted a friend from work and asked her if she could go with me to go to a clinic. She was there when I needed someone the most. I started taking medication for anxiety/depression. I reached out friends who struggled with mental health and it further encouraged me to receive help and focus on myself.

Life has been so much better since the day I asked for help. I learned that it is completely okay to ask for help when you are struggling. I have learned what triggers my anxiety. I have found activities that allow me to cope. I am not as easily angered. I find greater joy in life and have come closer to Christ. I still have days when I am deeply affected by my depression. Some days, I have difficulty doing simple tasks. I am learning to be open about my mental health and find people who will listen. I am learning to focus on myself. I will most likely have a mental illness for the rest of my life but I have found things that have and can help me. Life is not over. I know this is a trial that I need to endure, but I am stronger because of it. I would not be the person I am today without the trials I have experienced in life. I would like to share a few things that have worked for me. Everyone is different. Everyone reacts to stress differently. We all have different circumstances and experiences. I hope you know that you are not alone. What I do may not work for you but I hope this will allow you to find ways to help yourself.

Medication: There are various types of medications that can aid in depression called SSRIs, or Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors. Your brain contains a neurotransmitter, called “Serotonin.” Serotonin contributes to your overall wellbeing and happiness. SSRIs increase levels of Serotonin in your brain. I take and SSRI daily and it has made a tremendous difference in my ability to think, focus and how I feel about myself. Not everyone needs medication, but there are many of us that do, and that it totally fine! Modern medicine is here to help us. It is a huge blessing we are able to partake. These medications are meant to help the chemical imbalance that you may have in your brain. Some worry about side effects, so it is important to evaluate how you feel if you begin a medication. A common side effect for this class of medications is sleepiness. Sometimes you have to try different meds in order to find the best one for you.

Therapy: Some people will not opt for therapy. We recommend therapy for many of our patients and you wouldn’t believe how skeptical they are about going. They tend to thing it is for “crazy” people. WRONG! I truly believe each person can benefit from having a therapist if they are willing to put in the work and effort. I began going to a therapist last year. I wasn’t a huge fan of her, so I recently switched to a new therapist. I really like my new therapist a lot! You want to find a therapist you feel comfortable talking to and someone you feel is listening to you. It is normal to have to go through a few people to find the right person for you. There are different types of counselors such as psychiatrists, LMFTs, LPCs, and psychologists. They each have different approaches within the sessions depending on their degree. A therapist/counselor can help you walk through any repressed trauma or negative feelings you may have not learned to cope with. Therapy allows you to speak with someone who is unbiased. A therapist WILL NOT fix your problems. They are not advice givers. They are there to help you learn to help yourself in difficult situations, how you react and cope with your feelings and much more. I have found much comfort in going to a therapist. I am still learning what triggers my anxiety, where my negative thoughts come from and how to stop them before they take over.

Self-Care: Everyone needs self-care, whether you struggle with anxiety/depression or not. You need time for yourself. You need to decompress. Find activities you enjoy doing and are up lifting. My mental health is one of the main reasons I run. It allows me to put all my focus into it. People frequently ask me what I think about when I run. Many times, I don’t think about anything but focus on enduring the run. Running is extremely difficult for me, but I love how it challenges me and reminds me I can do hard things. I have to be positive and uplifting to myself while running. It is literally the only way I can get through a run. I tell myself I am good enough, I am strong, I am a competent runner, and capable. I feel that I am all of those things during my run. Imagine if we spoke to ourselves like that every day?! I could have the worst day possible and running takes away all of those negative feelings. I also find comfort in painting. If you follow my facebook profile, you will notice I am frequently posting pictures of my art. I began doing more acrylic painting last year. I follow tutorials online or simply just wing it! aha! Painting is calming and relaxing for me. Just like running, my attention is entirely focused on the details of my painting, the texture, and colors. I frequently paint for other people simply because I enjoy it. Gifting a painting to another person makes it much more meaningful to me. Lastly, I try and serve others. It truly brightens up my day when I write a letter to a friend who is having a tough day or baking cupcakes for another just because. I feel closer to my Savior as I serve others because it reminds me of His love for all His children. I feel less selfish and mindful of those around me. I don’t feel so alone. Each person on earth should feel loved and cared for. I never felt that as a child and I never want anyone I know to feel that way.

If you have read this and are struggling with your mental health, please reach out. Please ask for help. You are wanted. You are loved. Please stay. You are not alone in this struggle. I am here for you. You have at least one person who will understand. Anxiety and Depression can be a part of your life, but it is not YOUR life. Stay strong. Have faith. Help is on the way. ❤

XOXO,

Natalie

In case you forgot to remind yourself: You are beautiful

“Your words have so much power. Every day, if you tell yourself ‘I love you,’ if you give yourself one word of validation, it will change your mind.” — Ashley Graham

I hate my body.

I am so ugly.

How does she always look so pretty?

I need to lose weight.

I am not smart enough.

I am worthless.

Have you ever said some of these statements to yourself? When was the the last time you said something positive about yourself? Not to your friend, significant other, family member, but something YOU are rocking at?

Body image.

This is something we have all struggled with at one point in our lives. Some of us are harder on ourselves than others. We have each encountered experiences that have influenced the way we view ourselves. None of us are exempt from the dangers of distorted views. While maybe we cannot completely avoid these issues, there are measures we can take to promote body positivity.

So what influences how we perceive ourselves?

I believe that words can leave a lasting impact on the way we view ourselves.

I have struggled with body image since I was 11. I did not grow up in a healthy environment. I was never told I was beautiful, smart, capable, strong, or any of those kind and loving words you should hear as a child. Instead, all I heard that I was “ugly”, “incompetent”, “dumb”, and other negative remarks. These words followed me up until my adulthood. Words are powerful and can leave a lasting impression on our tiny humans.

I never once felt beautiful. I felt ugly every single day. I felt that no boy would ever like me. I was always petite for my age, and was constantly singled out for being tiny and frail by my peers and instructors. I felt weak and insecure. I felt small. I felt like I had nothing to offer. No strengths, only weaknesses. Once I entered university, I began to gain weight. My weight increased so much that I became overweight. I overate more than I had ever before. Later, I found out why I had this compulsive behavior, but that is for another post. Over time, I began to exercise and developed a normal weight.

As people commented on my figure and weight loss, I commenced to obsess over my size and weight. I was fearful to gain the weight again. My friends constantly pointed out how skinny I was and that they would love to achieve my body type. To them, I had the “ideal” body. Even though I admired the comments, I still was not satisfied with my body. I still felt that I had a long way to go. I needed to make sure I looked my best for everyone. I began to constantly count calories, go on six plus miles to burn all the calories, restricted my food, counted calories, and so forth. I got to the point where I was so thin that I felt sick. My hair was falling out. I would feel like vomiting every-time I exercised, I continued to binge, and none of my clothes fit. I developed Graves disease, a disease caused by an over-active thyroid. I am not exactly sure if my disordered eating contributed to Graves, but it definitely did not help.

Subtle comments or observations of others can affect our attitude without us even realizing. I didn’t realize how much the comments of others really affected me at the time. We tend to categorize individuals as “attractive” and “unattractive”. “Skinny” and “fat.” “Wonderful” or “annoying.” The list goes on. Why do we place people in boxes? Many times, we do it because we are insecure. We judge others in an attempt to lift ourselves up. Or maybe, we do not know how to compliment others because we never grew up on the receiving end.

I once had a patient tell me about a family they knew. They had a daughter who was about 6 years old. She was at the top of her class and could read at a high school level. This little girl was a prodigy. She was basically a genius. The patient asked the parents how they did it. How did they raise their daughter to be incredibly intelligent at such a young age? Their answer: “We tell her she is smart every single day. And she believes it.”

When I was a child, I believed it when I was told I was ugly. I believed I could not do hard things. I believed to be weak and helpless. I believed I was no one. As an adult, I felt like I had to be thin to meet unrealistic expectations. I needed to be the “face of health.” I had to make sure people still thought I as skinny. Words are powerful. I am learning to block out the negative comments I have believed my entire life and focus on the good.

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

Comparing ourselves to others can deprive us of happiness. I have been guilty of this too many times to count. I’ve compared my body to other girls. I have longed for things others have that I do not. I have scrolled endlessly on social media. I have desired to alter my appearance to fit in. On social media, we see photos of our followers and friends living their best life. We view their achievements, their joy, their success. Sadly, we may notice these posts and comments when we are feeling at our worst. This can be when we are most critical of ourselves. We compare ourselves to someone else’s best. How could we compete with that? Why would we try to compete with that? We each have different roles in life. We endure distinct trials. We are all worth celebrating.

The journey to self-love has been difficult. Luckily, I have met some incredible people over the years who have helped me see my worth. I have developed talents that I excel at. I have overcome some pretty difficult tasks, all emotional, mental, and physical. I have learned to accept compliments and boost myself up. I know I am strong. I am learning to love my imperfections and flaws. I am complimenting myself when I feel and look dang good. I am learning to STOP feeling bad when I compliment myself. I have developed a healthier relationship with all foods and stopped counting calories and obsessing over the number on the scale.

I would love to share a few tips on how I have learned to love myself. I hope you can implement these in your own life and see how amazing you are.

Celebrate your successes big or small
Whether you just aced the biggest exam of your life, or scored a sweet deal at the store: Celebrate the joys of life! Learn to recognize tender mercies. You are worth celebrating. Try not to dwell on your failures. We all make mistakes in life, but evaluate how you can learn from them and implement those lessons in your life. I was recently gifted a journal called “Good Things are Happening”. Each day, you document three moments of joy. I absolutely love documenting my daily joys because it allows me to see the blessings in my life despite the hard days. I am able to look back and discover miracles. I have learned to stop dwelling on things that I cannot change and focus on my bright future. You can find your journal here: https://www.amazon.com/Good-Things-Happening-Guided-Journal/dp/1419722107

Positive Affirmations This may sound silly, but I look in the mirror and say at least three positive and personal affirmations about myself each day. You can say them aloud or mentally. It really makes a different though if you say them aloud! This can be regarding your appearance, your skills, your attitude, etc. This has been tough for me because there are days when I feel I do not deserve the compliments, or that I am being boastful. It is OKAY to feel good about yourself. If you feel gorgeous or handsome in a new pair of jeans, a skirt, blouse or shoes: acknowledge it. Allow yourself to feel confident. When you began to develop a healthy relationship with yourself, you will view yourself in a completely new way. Just as the young girl in the story, you will believe in yourself. You will hear wonderful things about yourself and you will start to believe them.

Develop your talents We all have talents. Some are more evident. Others are hidden, waiting to be discovered. Find a skill you want to develop. For me, that has been running, painting, and learning a new language. I was never a runner growing up. Once I took up running as a form of self-care, I realized I was actually pretty good at it! I began to challenge myself with various courses and races. This allowed me to create goals to help boost my confidence. I have found a great support system in the running community. If you really want to learn how to do something, go out and teach yourself. Find the tools you need to accomplish your goal whether it is someone you know who has that talent, videos, classes or courses. You don’t have to be Boston Marathon status or the next Picasso. Take a chance. Get out of your comfort zone. Do great things.

Keep going strong. The journey to self-love is hard. I know it, I have lived it. I hope you take these words and use them for good for yourself, and others. You are worth it. You are strong. You can overcome the worst. Incase you forgot to remind yourself: You are beautiful. Believe it.

XOXO,

Natalie